The Irony of This Blog Name

Wondering really can lead to malicious thoughts. I have always been the person who has been too worried about what could be if I just gave the person another chance, and I get an anxious feeling like if I give up I will be missing out on something important. What if I’m missing my chance? What if I give up on the wrong thing?

I recently had an ex contact me, asking if the ship has sailed for us, just because he was wondering, like he didn’t know what to think of it. At first I thought this was kind of sweet, because of course I wonder too what could have been if things hadn’t gone all wrong. But then I started thinking of how he used to wonder when we were in a relationship and how much trouble that got him into during our time together. I think he struggles with the same fear of missing out, fear of making an irreparable mistake.

I don’t have any advice, and life lessons for this fear, as I still continue to battle it. It can be a great weakness of mine, one that leads me to forgive people too quickly because I think they deserve another chance. I want it to change. I know I deserve better than I have been treated, but part of me just can’t let go, is desperate to hang on so that I know where it ends. But you can’t do that.

It bothers me that I’m this way. I can’t know where our futures are going with every single person I meet, there’s just no way that’s possible. I can’t torture myself with “well what if this happened?” But at this point in time I realize that I am the person that will forgive too easily just to see what could be. And while I love being a loving, caring, empathetic person, I think it’s starting to hurt me more than help me.

I would ask for advice, but I feel it’s more of a when-you-know-you-know situation. Plus I’ve always been the person to consider advice and then follow my own head.

All I can say is don’t take someone’s forgiveness for granted. Don’t take it as a weakness. Think instead of why they had to forgive you.

 

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A Hum and a Howl

Having this blog has already helped inspire me. I walk around campus looking for the next mediocre photo I can post to the page, something that captures a new side of this place that I haven’t seen, haven’t been looking for.

The dryer hums and rattles behind me, my feet are cool – I wore sandals today in hopes of warm weather. Instead I was greeted with a cold wind that whipped right through my sweatshirt. I guess that’s how being here has made me feel so far.

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I expected Maryland to be the reparation for the disappointing college career I’ve had. Sometimes I feel there’s a lot of pressure for me to be happy here, “is it everything you dreamed it would be?” Well, no. I dreamed it would be a great place to meet people, grow and prosper, and explore new things. Instead I find it’s much easier than usual to slip into the sea of people here and go about my day unnoticed. This is the first time in my life that my professors haven’t known my name. I’ve always been shy, and I guess this is where I learn to introduce myself and branch out. Finally forced out of my comfort zone, unlike the terrapin that has come to represent this place, who has all the comforts of home on his back.

But I think I need this. If I never leave my shell, I’ll be stuck. Stuck in the same old town with the same old people in the same old job with the same old problems. I’ve done a lot of soul searching recently, yet I haven’t made any breakthroughs. If anything, my searching has left me even more lost. Where do I go? What will make me happy?

What will make me happy while taking me out of my comfort zone?

I cling to familiarity. There is comfort in familiarity, a sense of calm. But no matter how far my branches stretch, the roots still remain, clinging to the same old soil.

I love my little Middletown. It’s nice to look up and see mountains and a blue sky instead of just brick buildings. There will always be a connection there, but I’m caught between hanging on and letting go. Maybe it doesn’t have to be an ultimatum, but that’s how it feels right now. I fear I will return and never again leave, never branch out and live elsewhere. There are too many places to experience, too many people to meet.

Yet I also fear what it would mean to leave. I would be away from family, from close friendships, from everything I’ve ever known. For the third time in my life, I would be alone in a new place, left to my own devices to figure out where to go.

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As I write this, I realize that’s what I need in my life. It’s not like leaving someone behind means letting go of them forever, that the gate will be shut, the bridge will be drawn, and I am left to sink or swim with the crocodiles. Starting somewhere new opens up a whole new storybook for you to fill, and it’s your duty to take the pen and start writing yourself a beautiful, adventurous story.

There’s comfort in familiarity. There’s opportunity in the unknown.