Beast of Beauty

The beast is back.

I’m disappointed in myself, but it’s back.

Jealousy.

Andrew has been at a bachelor party for the weekend, and I haven’t handled it as well as I would have hoped, considering how far I’ve come from past relationships.

This is the first time in a relationship that I have genuinely been worried for the other person’s safety, which I think is a big step and a progressive sign actually. I never understood why my father could never sleep while I was out of the house, but he oh-so-graciously seems to have given me that anxiety. Granted, my back has been hurting for about a month now, so I haven’t been getting great sleep regardless… but for the first time in any relationship, I was genuinely worried about him making it on an 8-hour drive in the evening, especially when he wasn’t texting me back.

All I can say is, it’s weird and I don’t like it. I apologize to my future children about a potentially overbearing mom.

Andrew has finally been able to text me more than once every few hours, which is great. But I could feel the jealousy creeping up as soon as he started to text me. It’s a part of me that I genuinely dislike. Because I trust this man wholeheartedly. He constantly reassures me that he would never do anything to put our relationship in jeopardy, and he does everything imaginable to prove it — from regular foot rubs, to scratching my head every night before bed to help me fall asleep, to gently rubbing between my eyebrows every morning to try and keep me asleep when his alarm goes off. I even woke up to him putting a thumb over my ear to try and block out the noise from the traffic that’s constantly outside of our window.

(He’s the sweetest)

Which is why I’m so upset that I’ve let any jealousy get to me! Over someone telling him he’s sexy at a bachelor party!

I thought I’d slain that beast years ago, after finally deciding I don’t want to be the victim, I don’t want to be the girl who was cheated on, I don’t want to use that as an excuse for my jealousy. Apparently it’s a tough beast to slay. And it immediately brought up all my insecurities in a relationship. I won’t fan them all out on here, because that’s a conversation I need to have with Andrew first.

But I will blast a few of my exes for helping stir the beast.

To my first, for cheating on me twice, once immediately after I had gotten off the phone with him, with girls that both knew I was his girlfriend.

To the next, for essentially going on a date with a girl I knew wanted him, and then gave him the hickey to prove it.

To the one after that, who ghosted me for a girl he’d been talking to for years.

To the last, who convinced me that casual relationships were fine, that that’s all I wanted from a guy, and still inexplicably broke my heart.

You each stole a piece of me that I will never get back. From my innocence, to my trust, to my thoughts on love, you tore me apart in your own ways. While you may not have created the beast, you did nothing to dismantle it.

To Andrew, the love of my life. Thank you for building me back up. To the person I was before, the person I want to be, and the person I truly am. You have seen the heart of me, and you have kissed every inch of it.

“For I need all the cracks in my shattered heart, ’cause that’s where her love gets in…

Thanks for the moon and the stars up above, forgiveness of sin and your undying love, every twist, every turn for the way you made sure all my roads led to her.”

I still always think of you when I hear that song, because I truly feel whatever greater power is out there led us down the right paths. I never imagined I would meet anyone like you in my life. I thought I would have to settle for someone that would just be good FOR me, not good TO me. You have been all that and more. You are the biggest blessing I have ever received in my life, because you gave me back to who I really am. I am forever grateful to you for loving and supporting me in the way that you do.

Because when our kids look at us and think that we’re soulmates, they’ll know they’re right. They will know what true love looks like.

I know the tone of this blog has changed drastically, but I think it’s just what I needed to get that beast out of my mind. To talk myself out of it.

And in this hour of dying sunlight, I say goodnight from the serenity of our new home.

Love always

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Newborn Love

Black tie and black tights,
A dark bar on a cold night,
Excitement buzzing like champagne bubbles
as we reminisce about how we got here.

I have always been yours,
before I even knew you, I was yours.

“Happy New Year!”
the confetti rains as 2017 slips away,
and upstairs we run
to dance where we first knew it was right.

* * *

An amazingly packed weekend full of meeting new people and bonding with others, drinking lots of alcohol and falling even more in love.

Realistically, I had to jump start my car twice in the cold weather, got sick from one of the at least five sick people that surrounded me during the holidays, and I have the cold sore to prove it… But regardless I had a great time.

I hate to brag but it really is an incredible feeling to find your soulmate. Just wanting to spend endless days together, waking up together, going to get breakfast, doing menial errands like going to the gym, doing NOTHING on a Saturday as your rest in preparation for the next day’s New Year’s Eve celebrations, playing video games and watching movies together. Being able to talk about anything and everything, never getting bored of it. And being put to sleep as he rubs your head because you’re feeling sick. There’s no better feeling.

* * *

I was never the girl who dreamed of having babies, and when I did they were nightmares. In eighth grade I had a nightmare that I gave birth to twins. Earlier this year I had a work nightmare that I gave birth and my baby was a literal pork chop on a dinner plate… I’ve never wanted kids.

It wasn’t until I was 21 that I decided I wanted kids. Childbirth had always scared the shit out of me – I just wanted to have the baby belly and then suddenly had the baby with no painful moments in between. But whatever omnipotent force is out there has a funny way of guiding you.

For example, there were a lot of eerily timed happenings in my life before I met Andrew. I met him when I was 19, but neither of us were ready at that point. When we met again at Lauren’s birthday party this past April, we hit it off a bit, but I still wasn’t confident (though apparently at the end of the night I sat in the middle of the limo because that’s where he had been and he sat in the back of the limo because that’s where I had been sitting – more evidence of fate in the works). When we really hit it off and started talking in May, I had just graduated college a week before. Both of my cats died before we started talking, and he’s allergic to cats so now I don’t have to decide whether or not to leave my cat behind to move in with him. There are more examples, but those are just a few.

And lo and behold, last year I decided I want kids, in May I met the man of my dreams and I want to have his babies, and what falls into my lap? A birthing center client. At my new job, one of our clients is a new birthing center opening up in the Frederick area, and I swear to god I have never had this much information or this many resources about childbirth and birthing options. I literally got paid to watch a video about a home birth and I didn’t cringe. It looked beautiful. I was reading about baby milestones for the first year of life and I finally for the first time in my life understand why women always get so excited about newborns.

Working with this client has convinced me that I want to try a birth center or a home birth, should I be healthy enough to have one. Fate has given me the resources to finally not be totally terrified of having children.

As I should currently be working, I should wrap things up. I just wanted to share my newfound newborn love. It’s exciting! Finally feeling like you have your life together for a moment (before it’s all inevitably thrown into chaos as you move to a new state, find a new job, make new friends, etc…. But we’ll get to that later.)

 

I Will Try

It’s strange when it hits me.

When I roll over in the middle of the night and lay a hand on your chest. When I blow you a kiss as you drive off in the middle of a rainy Sunday evening. When I scroll through my own social media posts. And it happened today.

It’s strange to me just how much I love you sometimes.

I’ve been in relationships before, said “I love you” to people and thought I meant it. In some ways I had to realize what true love really is, what it means. Maybe it’s different for other people.

For me, true love is making goofy faces as you walk past each other at the gym. It’s crying in the car because you’re both laughing so hard at something the other said. It’s driving 4.5 hours to a wedding you couldn’t get into just to make sure they stay awake for the drive, then driving his hungover butt home the next day.

It’s waking up in the morning to a million kisses on my cheeks, nose, mouth, and forehead. It’s waking up in the middle of the night to apologize and cuddle after an argument. It’s knowing you can, without a doubt, trust the other person when he’s on his phone, because he makes sure you know how much you mean to him and how he would never do anything to lose you. It’s hearing the hurt in his own voice when I’m on the phone crying about some work stress. It’s rolling over in the middle of the night just to fall asleep in his arms again. It’s falling asleep as he strokes your hair, because he knows it will put you right to sleep.

It’s feeling safe in his arms, knowing he won’t let go. Knowing that when he says he won’t hurt you, he means it. It’s being respected in every aspect, and it’s feeling saved. It’s feeling whole.

As I scrolled through my instagram today, I was hit with a wave of gratitude and appreciation. In my mind, the difference is night and day between my life before I met you and after. I think back to what I was going through, what I was doing, how I felt. I was numb. I was empty. I was desperate to be loved by someone who was only using me because I thought that I loved him. I was hurt, but I wasn’t even helping myself. I was doing things I knew in my heart I didn’t want to do because I thought those were the sacrifices I had to make to be with someone.

It was all bullshit. And thank god I see that now.

My life changed the day I met you. I’d never really believed in soul mates before, but I know now that you’re mine. We’re too alike, right down to June 20, 1987, the anniversary that both of our parents share.

I didn’t know it yet, but I met my future husband back when I was 19. And when I met him again when I was 22, I was finally ready for him. I was ready to appreciate all that he is, all that he does. His heart of gold just waiting to be loved.

The other day I remembered that, as I flirted with him the night of my sister’s engagement bar crawl, I took a snapchat of the two of us. I jokingly captioned it “my future husband” and put it on my story. Little did I know how right I was.

We’ve been talking since May (officially dating since August), and we’re already talking about moving in together when his lease is up. Some people may think we’re moving too fast, and while I want to enjoy the moments as they come, I’ve never felt surer of a person. I told him I loved him while I was drunk in his car just three weeks after making it official, and I don’t regret it. He later told me he knew he loved me on August 13th – just two days after our first date. It’s right. Even Nana told me that she and my grandfather got married just six months after knowing each other. “When you know, you know.”

And I know. This is the man I want to be with for the rest of my life. Waking up in his arms, his soft breath at my back, on a lazy Sunday morning and not having to say goodbye just a few hours later.

I thought I was whole. I thought I loved myself. He shows me so much more. He completes me. And I’ll never be able to show him how grateful I am to have him, but I will try my hardest. As long as I live, I will try.

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Love

Stillness

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The first word that comes to mind when I think of your relationship is “gentle.”

You may not have been explicitly there,
but you are hinted at.
Your presence is there, is palpable.

If she is a movie, you are the score.
You are not the plot, you are the feeling,
the emotion, the inspiration.
Everything she did, you were there in the background.

You were not forgotten. You were there.
Through her artistic eyes, you were there somehow.
You were the street she walked on,
the snowflake she caught on her tongue,
the bubbles tasting her lips.

She was proud of you, the naive love you had for her.
You were a new soul, new life,
yet she was old.
She needed you, her cane, to steady herself,
and you obliged.
You needed her more.
You kissed the hem of her being, her child.
And she loved you until she didn’t need you by her side anymore.
She left for you to grow on your own, this lost new soul,
to wander and wind your way through life’s branches.

Still she grasps your tiny fingers, guides your footsteps as you learn to walk.
And still you need her, and still she loves you.
It is soft, brush stroke kisses, love stained splinters.
It is there. It is gentle.