Australian Kisses and Tequila Ramblings

I wonder how many posts I have written without some kind of alcohol in me, be it from 10 seconds ago or as I’m sweating it out from the night before. I guess I see how Hemingway could get in the moment through alcohol to write his beautiful thoughts. There’s something about alcohol that just releases them all.

Anyways, what a trying and beautiful time in my life! I’m a senior, and there are plenty of changes going on in my life, but that’s to be expected. Lives that don’t change are just boring. Firsthand experience: I never have any idea what to say to/ask Cliff or Zac because their lives just remain the same. No offense to them at all, I think part of it is that I don’t like to seem fake and ask questions to which I already know the answer, but for the most part their lives are so stagnant that they have no news to share and I have not questions to ask.

I’m discovering more and more about myself. I think this summer will be incredibly trying both to my physical body and my mental spirit. I don’t want to jinx anything (because I’ve never been more excited for anything in my life), but I’m planning to go backpacking in Wyoming with one of my friends in July. Now, I’ve never even been camping, let alone backpacking, so I’m both terrified but also incredibly excited. I know I will be tested, and I think it will be a life-changing experience.

***

Interesting moment today. For my intercultural communication class, I learned that I tend to lean more towards Eastern Asian tendencies moreso than my own US American culture. It’s something as simple as what we focus on when looking at a picture and evaluating a problem, but it was interesting to think that I could be more connected to an Eastern sense of beliefs and culture than my own. It’s a collectivistic culture, which I think makes sense as to who I am. I focus on the whole picture instead of the main character (though I will not pretend that I haven’t been primed as a US American to notice certain things over others.

***

Sometimes I think I’ve forgotten you. Those moments make me happy, because I’ve thought about you for far too long.

But lately, in the early morning hours, and when I have a good taste of liquor in my mouth, you’re there, again. And I fight you with every ounce of my being. But something in my heart just can’t stay mad, can’t force you from my mind. Somehow I did a better job of keeping sugar cookies out of my mouth today than keeping you off my mind… At least I’m developing willpower where it counts?

You need to go away. Or at least make a fucking decision.

***

I think I’ve been single for so long that I don’t know where to start anymore. I’ve developed a social anxiety for hanging out with people that might be interested in me. For the most part I just turn them down, sometimes because I genuinely don’t have an interest, sometimes because I think it’s just too nerve-wracking. How can it be?

I feel as though I’ll be single for a while (which is fine, I enjoy being single and not having much to worry about, but as always it gets lonely every once in a while). But I wonder if later I will see I had made mistakes, that I should have taken chances with certain people over others.

I often wonder how different my life would be if I had made a different decision. I try not to dwell on it because I can’t change anything and I would never torture myself in such a way. However, what if I hadn’t broken up with you? What if I had stayed at Frostburg? Would I ever have connected with you? Would it have been better timing at that point? Would we have worked out in the long run? Would I be better now?

That’s the danger of wondering if the grass is always greener.

***

Have you ever had a weird thought for a lover? A large part of you wants to be with them, but then again there’s a strange part of you that wants them to find love in one of their exes? If you’re by any chance reading this, Ashley, go back to him. He needs you.

I wonder if it’s a fate thing. I haven’t decided on whether or not I believe in soulmates. Rationally, I don’t think so. I think you make it work with who you have if you are compatible and think it could work out. But on nights like tonight, when I have a strong buzz going, I think I believe it. The romantic in me wants to believe it. Believe that someone’s soul is out there searching for no one else but me. That we will fit together like pieces of a puzzle, the curtains will draw and we will be consumed in each other forever.

That’s what’s giving me hope at the moment (and also causing me anxiety as far as “Am I passing up my fate?”). Otherwise I may be doomed to pine after you forever, feeling stupid and used, dodging kisses from the Australian boy who might think more of me after one night than you have in a year.

Karmic Rabbits

I definitely have some kind of karmic energy around me, even if it doesn’t always work out for me. Although, that’s not surprising is it? Karma doesn’t bend at my will.

It pervades my love life in a cynical, almost sinister way. My only “official” boyfriends were each paid visits. What goes around comes around, and the lesson is bittersweet — I still wish the best for at least one of them (hi Chad!).

I’m concerned with what this could mean for a future relationship that’s been on my mind lately, someone I’d never before considered, someone I’d be devastated to lose. My impatience is getting the best of me, but hopefully my fear will help me be more apprehensive.

We still have some growing to do. I think it’s good that I can admit that to myself right? I still have some oats to sow, be it traveling, moving, self-exploration, etc. I can’t put a time stamp on it, which is a blessing and a curse. I always want to peek into the future and figure out what the hell is going to work out. But I’m learning to trust my intuition, which may or may not be good for the situation.

Unfortunately I have too much homework to really sit and reflect on it.

For now I’m just extremely grateful for the life I’m living. It’s not perfect, and there’s a lot going on. I just find it interesting that even on days I feel a cloud hanging over me, I can reflect on karmic events around me.

Thank you for listening to my ramblings. I admit I have felt a little alone lately, but alone time is good. It helps me concentrate in this busy time.

Now it’s time to unwind with Game of Thrones and a glass of wine.

Cheers!

My First Blog

So let’s get started! I have no idea what I want this blog to be about. Probably just my life, my thoughts, my perceptions, my experiences. I hope to someday be able to go back through my blogs and see how I’ve grown as a person, because you don’t always notice the day-to-day changes, and then somehow those tiny changes have lead to a completely new you.

But let’s start with who I am and where I am now:

  • I’m 20 years old (about to be 21 in 45 days WOOHOO!)
  • I’m a student at the University of Maryland, studying Communications and Professional Writing
  • I have always loved writing, and I think it’s the only creative thing I have (but I’m trying to branch out)
  • I find communication theory more interesting than my lecture classes
  • I work part-time at The Main Cup as an expo and I love it; it’s my second home and I always try to make it a point to see my second family when I come home
  • I do not have a boyfriend (boys are too complicated)
  • do have some amazing friends (shoutout to Ryan, Alex, Mary, and Will)
  • I have no idea what I want to do for a job
  • I love animals and I want to foster
  • I am itching to travel, even if it’s by myself
  • I love mountains. I grew up in a small farming town tucked into the mountains, and I have seen some purple mountain majesties.
  • I don’t know how to camp, yet my recent dream is to backpack the Appalachians
  • I’m young and everything is either terrifying or exciting – and sometimes both!

Some days I may be casual, like this, and some days I may be more soulful. I’m not sure where it’ll go, but life is wonderful right? And I’ll spice things up when I start working enough to afford my own little camera. I have a feeling I’ll be putting in a lot of hours this summer…

Much love,

Dani