I’ve moved (finally).
Here I am in West Chester. And boy was it hard to get here.
Things fell so quietly into place with Andrew and I finding a house, working my fingers to the bone until the day that I moved. In a way it was so much of a whirlwind that it was sort of hard to process. But I think that was the best way for my mind and soul to handle it.
It was hard leaving. The entire week I was gathering my things, I was on the verge of tears at the drop of a hat. Leaving my friends, my mountains, the life that I had always known and returned to. Leaving Mom and Dad was harder than I thought. Leaving Main Cup was harder than I thought! I never realized how much I had grown to love that place, those people, until my last shift. Granted, restaurant life is always a mess of stress and bitching, which is why I was surprised to find it hard to leave. People I never expected to cry bawled their eyes out — including me.
And I bawled my eyes out the morning that I left, with a sinking feeling in my heart that there was an end of my rope that would always be attached to Middletown. Even the songs on the radio seemed to point to me staying in Middletown. It felt like my last breakup — where songs brought back emotions, seemed to speak wisdoms to me that I was eager to soak up and turn into my staying. I guess we’ll know in the next few years whether or not they were wisdoms or falsehoods.
But as the tears rolled down, I tried to keep my chin up. You must let go of the past to make way for the future. So this little potted plant grew too big for her pot, and she was transferred to a new one.
So far I’ve been surprised at how at home I already feel here. I miss my friends, and I look forward to making ones at whatever job I stumble upon. There are still glaring moments where it’s hard to be here. The first time I drove to the gym here, I was struck with this surreal feeling of being in an alternate dimension, that were I 100 miles south I would be on a similar road to an entirely different gym, living an entirely different life. The first week being up here was a chaotic battle between calm and calamity. Peace and war waging within my own mind and body.
The second and third weeks haven’t been as bad, though I’m still terribly bored throughout the day. I’m missing human interaction, to the point of enjoying the short exchanges with cashiers at the dollar store. But the evenings and weekends spent with Andrew make me feel like I’ve made the right choice.
I will say, it has been difficult motivating myself to get outside. I don’t know the area spectacularly well, so I’m not sure of any good nearby trails. So that part of my soul has been feeling a little worse for wear. Especially with daily reminders that around this time last year I was on my big trip out west.
But enough about the insecurities of a wavering mind.
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I’ve noticed myself becoming a little more cynical (and I can’t help but wonder if it is that I don’t have the same fun outlets in PA yet. I read somewhere that healthy people laugh at least 13 times a day, and sometimes I know I don’t reach that number).
I think I need to reconnect to my empathetic soul. I was always proud of being compassionate. I think I’ve stepped further from that than I would ever have wanted.
I was watching The Bachelorette (of all things) with my sister tonight. They were in Thailand, speaking with monks in temples about love and Buddhist ideals. Naturally, my first inclination was to doubt how real all this “reality” tv is — and I stand by you shouldn’t be a brainless and gullible consumer. But they were talking about how honesty, patience, and acceptance are central to Buddhist ideals.
We are currently growing in a society that is both wholly accepting and entirely ostracizing of “outcasts”. If you want to get political, when you think about it, the majority of people seem to ostracize. For example, most conservatives are notorious for not accepting gays. However, most liberals are not accepting of beliefs that vary from theirs. It’s a two-way street. To be able to talk freely with someone about their opinions without criticizing whether or not you believe in them too has become a rarity nowadays. It doesn’t make much sense to me. We live in a day of misinformation, and social media sites are teeming with misinformed opinions (of which I’m sure my hands are not clean!).
And lately, dating someone with more conservative-aligning views, I have found myself being more critical, less open to others. More mocking, less empathetic. I haven’t been proud of myself for it. (He is not to blame since I am the one experiencing this. I just think it adds to the influences I’ve had around me in the last year or so).
I think tonight was the reminder I needed to get back on what I feel is the right track. To express that love, acceptance, and compassion for everyone I meet. To go into the world with an open heart and try to help those who need it. With all the hate that is spread in this world, I want to believe there is an equal amount of good going into it. The news is just made to scare us all. Do we want to be scared, or be free in mind, body and spirit?
I thought I had more to say, but this tea tree oil diffuser & that glass of wine is making me tired. I think I’ve said what I need to. Let’s be worldly people together.