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Who would’ve thought 21 would be the year that I start looking after my health?

It’s Rosie’s 21st birthday, and I think she had a great time. I got to see a few friends and coworkers as well, which is nice since I go back to school in a few days and I’ll miss them all terribly. Things went well, didn’t have to listen to that “I should’ve just gone to bed” song, though thank you, Ryan, for trying to reinforce my good habits.

I’ve been petsitting for two dogs, two cats, and a chameleon over the last five days or so, and although it’s a little annoying driving 15 minutes out of the way every day, I really don’t mind the responsibility. It’s helped motivate me to not drink too much during the night and wake up early in the mornings. I’m wayyy too much of a morning person, so seeing the beautiful skies at 8AM have been really inspiring and breathtaking.

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I’ve come across that conflicted feeling again of wanting to share these beautiful thoughtful moments with someone or if it’s just something I should cherish on my own. I will always cherish them, however I’m not sure why I’m starting to yearn to share such moments. I don’t know what I would expect anyone to say in response, and sometimes I don’t think there are words that could describe it. Are all people like this? Is there some random passion, random beauty, for everyone out there? Something that others just might not understand, so instead they yearn for some kind of mutual understanding? Maybe I should ask my friends, but I’m worried that a few of them will just say “fireball.”

Coming home hasn’t been exactly what I expected. I’ve been fighting off a cold most of the time so far, so I’m trying to make sure I get enough rest which is unusual enough in itself. I got to spend a lot of time with my sister while she was here, and I’m really happy about that. It almost felt like when we were still living together, before she even went to college. It was definitely tougher saying goodbye to her, but I’ll always put on that supportive face.

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The restaurant has been about the same, some people you love, some people you can’t stand. I think I’m falling into a rut with it honestly. I’ve always had these exciting yet dreadful thoughts of moving, and recently they haven’t seemed so bad. I will always be thankful for the time I’ve had in my hometown, but I think the universe is telling me that it’s okay to move on soon. Big things are happening for me, hidden somewhere in this cosmic energy, and I can’t wait to unleash it.

I did a chakra cleansing/activating meditation today, opening my crown and third eye chakras, which are supposed to influence intuition, so I’m listening to my intuition today; I forgot how much I enjoy eastern practices. Unfortunately, sometimes I think my intuition is tailored more to my desires and/or anxieties than to the universe. I’ve become to complacent, going by feel. In many cases, I admire that, but in certain cases, I need to remind myself to be rational.

(As I’m currently being tested)

Anyways, I just wanted to check in. My lofty thoughts are fading, though they’ve been abundant since I’ve been home. However, it’s late, and I have to be up early to take care of the animals. I’ll be back soon, I’m sure.

Love

 

 

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Karmic Rabbits

I definitely have some kind of karmic energy around me, even if it doesn’t always work out for me. Although, that’s not surprising is it? Karma doesn’t bend at my will.

It pervades my love life in a cynical, almost sinister way. My only “official” boyfriends were each paid visits. What goes around comes around, and the lesson is bittersweet — I still wish the best for at least one of them (hi Chad!).

I’m concerned with what this could mean for a future relationship that’s been on my mind lately, someone I’d never before considered, someone I’d be devastated to lose. My impatience is getting the best of me, but hopefully my fear will help me be more apprehensive.

We still have some growing to do. I think it’s good that I can admit that to myself right? I still have some oats to sow, be it traveling, moving, self-exploration, etc. I can’t put a time stamp on it, which is a blessing and a curse. I always want to peek into the future and figure out what the hell is going to work out. But I’m learning to trust my intuition, which may or may not be good for the situation.

Unfortunately I have too much homework to really sit and reflect on it.

For now I’m just extremely grateful for the life I’m living. It’s not perfect, and there’s a lot going on. I just find it interesting that even on days I feel a cloud hanging over me, I can reflect on karmic events around me.

Thank you for listening to my ramblings. I admit I have felt a little alone lately, but alone time is good. It helps me concentrate in this busy time.

Now it’s time to unwind with Game of Thrones and a glass of wine.

Cheers!

Enduring Fate

Coincidence: the day after I post my blog about reflection, and suddenly tonight I’m blogging in Al’s room as she and Hannah write about the pros and cons in their lives in their own journals. I didn’t know they kept journals. Han’s even going so far as to think of solutions for each of her cons. They’re trying to better their lives, and I’m proud of them.

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Last night, I had to read a section of a novel by Waters Turpin called Those Low Grounds for my Literary Maryland class, and I have to say I actually  enjoyed it for once. We’ve gotten to the writing for entertainment part of the class, thank god.

Anyways, it was beautifully written, and there were a few times during the reading that I actually sat back and appreciated the writing. In a class where most of the pieces are written before the Civil War, that’s kind of a rare find.

“He had known toil. He had faced years of grinding disappointment. He had met life bravely, with a purpose in mind, and he had won his reward.”

Turpin was talking about a black man who had worked hard to build his own empire of a farm, but I think many others can relate. We all go through struggles, some of us face more hardships than others. I feel privileged in my life because I know people who have endured more than I could imagine.

And that’s what we do. We endure. We push through, we persevere. When we don’t win, we adapt as a way of rolling with the punches.

I’ve always been the person to believe in fate, that if you’ve given everything you can to something and it still doesn’t work out then maybe it was not meant for you. I want to stress that it doesn’t give anyone permission to be lazy or give up. But sometimes there are signs in the universe that you need to listen to.

I went to yoga again today with Chad. No savasina visions today, and I was a little disappointed, and then he said, “It was when I stopped looking for home in others that I found home inside my own mind and body.”

Maybe that’s not the most monumental advice, and I’m sure Han would crack up at how cheesy it sounded, but I think I needed to hear that and let it sink in. I’ve always been so worried about my relationships with others, wanted to make sure that I’ve had friends everywhere I go, needed to feel wanted by others, and when that doesn’t happen I get offended. I’ll feel like my friends don’t like me or don’t appreciate me.

It’s taken me a while, but I’m starting to realize that technology has made me crazy. It’s set this precedent that because you can talk to anyone at any time thanks to cell phones, social media, and texting, that you should be talking to them at all times, and that’s just not how it goes.

I don’t talk to my family all the time, and I still love them immensely.

I will go weeks without talking to my friends, and our relationships are never damaged just because we were unavailable.

The only place this precedent still seems to loom in my mind is for romantic relationships. I’m caught between my sister saying “you deserve someone who’s going to talk to you all the time, even if you just saw him a few hours ago” and Connor saying “I don’t talk to anyone 24/7, but that doesn’t mean I don’t love them.” I’m still trying to figure out that balance, but I’m confident it will come to me when I’ve met the right person (the person of my fate).

I’m glad I could blog, but it’s getting harder and harder to write (someone kept me up all night last night…), so I’ll close out.

May you find home in yourself, and may you endure fate.

Cheers

Siren’s Call

If you’re looking for some background music, click here.

Recently I’ve been having those days where it’s too tempting to do nothing. I’m usually no nonsense when it comes to getting to the gym, but I think the weather turning cold again as well as my studies becoming more intense has made me feel lethargic. But I got my butt off the couch and to the gym, and I found that everything was thought-provoking.

I crossed the bridge, the one I’ve crossed one hundred times on my trek to Eppley. The one that plays with the familiarity of home, because it looks just like the one in Middletown Park. I kept my eyes to the horizon, searching for the perfect moment, another beautiful shot that’s never quite the same as seeing it with your own eyes, feeling that wonder take hold of your heart.

Even my HIIT class itself made me feel lighthearted. I need to learn to smile more. I’ll add it to my mental list.

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On my walk home, the sun glows behind me, against me, warming my skin as if the whole world has always been trying to make me smile and I’ve just been too oblivious to notice. I cross that familiar bridge and I’m shocked to finally notice the stark contrast between the trees and the concrete. I wonder if I’ll ever find beauty in a place like College Park, so wrought with cement and brick, an unfinished game of Tetris.

I think we must be a foolish species, to think we can improve nature. Try as we might, we all know of a building that has been made more beautiful because a vine wound its way up a wall. I think of the little weeds that somehow break through cracks in the sidewalk, how persistent they must be. Maybe I should add that to the list too. Be persistent – I can do anything.

I cross the other, boring bridge that leads me to my complex and reminds me of nothing and no one. I decide to make my way to the small river under it. I haven’t done this before, but I’m curious.

After shaking off the embarrassing feeling of people watching me, I am surprised by my own awe. The river listens to the wind as it whispers its delight, having chased all the clouds from the sky again today. I spot some fish in the river, just floating, sharing this calm moment with me and the river and the wind. Of course Pocahontas pops into my head. The color of the wind must be blue, as that’s the only color in the sky today. Or maybe it’s also green as it runs through the grass, plays through the trees. Maybe brown as it playfully unravels my hair. I guess the wind could be any color. It must be fun.

As I said, my studies are becoming more pressing. If I wasn’t so close to graduating, I think I might just drop out, work part-time, and do whatever I want with my days. I’m keeping my eyes on the summer. I have big plans. So I stand, parting with my wonder, and I climb my way back to reality with a new understanding of why sailors are drawn to sirens.

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