I’m Going Where You Are

This weekend I watched two coworkers get married, and it was a weird, surreal experience for me.

Phoebe was always so independent, and she never wanted to be in a relationship. As far as I know, she had never been in a long-term relationship. Of course, if you’ve been reading my blogs for a while, you’ll know that I am a proponent of “when you know, you know”. But it was still strange to think people my age are getting married.

Andrew sat quietly beside me, the third wedding we’ve been to together since we’ve been together. I can’t wait to marry him, that’s for sure. But I’m glad we’re waiting until I’m 25. Finding a house is hard enough — I don’t need the pressure of planning (and making sure I’m ready for) a wedding of my own just yet. Though I certainly won’t say no when he decides to give me that ring!

After a somewhat early night, we headed home, and I became very emotional with Andrew. I started tearing up, telling him how much I love him, how I can’t wait to marry him. He was incredibly sweet, stroking my cheek, telling me how much he loves me too, how he can’t wait either.

(Thankfully he and I are both very rational people, or else we might have eloped right there)

And, because I was already so emotional and knew I needed a good cry, we went upstairs and I threw on PS I love you, a movie that is GUARANTEED to make me cry EVERY TIME I watch it. Andrew just tried going to bed since he had to get up early, but basically as soon as I pressed play on the movie I started bawling my eyes out.

(This is not the first time I’ve bawled my eyes out to PS I love you in front of Andrew. Thank god he loves me.)

It was just so hard thinking “what if something horrible like that happens to me and Andrew? What if he dies suddenly of a brain tumor or a heart attack? What on earth would I do without him by my side?”.

I’ve always had this weird feeling that whatever I have is going to be taken from me unexpectedly. I’m hoping it’s just irrational anxiety. Or maybe Fate knew I was going to fall in love with someone almost 10 years older than me, knowing he will likely go before me. Maybe It was just preparing me. But I don’t think anything could prepare me for losing Andrew.

I told him yesterday that, before meeting him, I had never really thought I’d meet someone I could never live without. I’d dated people, fallen in love with them, and even for as much as I depended upon them, when things ended, I was okay. I cried, I went through my depressions with dumb, hollow feelings, but I always came out the other side feeling fine and moving on.

And then I met Andrew, and ever since I haven’t been able to envision a future without him with me. He is my companion through everything. Whatever event I want to go to, an amusement park, a concert, a wedding — I want him there. He treats me so lovingly, with foot rubs after a long day at work, a head rub to get me to sleep at night, a shoulder rub after celebrating the Capitals winning their first Stanley Cup (woo!), and always a “good morning beautiful/gorgeous/cutie/my love” text when we are away from each other.

He is the man I want to spend the rest of my life with. I just want us to love each other forever, for the rest of the days we have together. We handle each other so well. And while sometimes I may not be super patient with him, he always takes it in stride. We communicate so well, and we genuinely support each other and work to understand each other. We are open minded, even though we are both so opinionated. It’s liberating to have someone love you wholeheartedly for exactly who you are. Plus, getting full body massages every other week ain’t a bad gig.

I know I could never live without him. Should we make it to old age, I know that he will be waiting for me when he goes. And I’ll be ready to go when my time comes, so I can spend eternity in his arms.

Naturally, having all of these existential crisis thoughts while watching PS I love you makes one emotional! So I continued to cry while Andrew tried to sleep next to me. But as soon as I made a noise, he turned around and held my face, kissed my cheeks, and whispered how much he loves me, how he’s never going to leave me like that. For several minutes. Until I finally calmed down and fell asleep.

Lucky me, he even loves my emotional crying over existentially stress-inducing thoughts! What a wonderful man I have managed to snag.

This blog was inspired by events that happened this weekend, but also the song My Religion by Dierks Bentley from his new album.

I feel like Heather when I say “I love love!”, but I guess that’s why we’re friends.

Love,

Dani

 

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Apprehension

(continued from previous blog)

…It’s later and I’ve been a little upset lately about moving.

I’ve been very nostalgic about my small town for the past few days. Last week was the first time in a while that I stayed late at Main Cup, had my glass of wine under the glow of the hanging lights, chatted with some coworkers (shoutout to DJ WHITE HEAVAAA), and thought¬†I’m actually going to miss this.¬†

Driving through town, knowing all the backroads and the main roads, knowing when to avoid certain intersections because school just let out… I’m going to miss knowing this small town like the back of my hand. There’s something so charming to me about small towns.

West Chester isn’t a small town… it’s a small city. It’s like downtown Frederick, but I’ve never really gotten the hang of DTF either, so it’s intimidating to me to be moving to a place that I have always viewed as cold, jagged, and unwelcoming. Pennsylvania was never in the plans for me. I had always dreamed of moving south. But the man of my dreams is in PA, and I want to be with him. I’m not afraid of that at all – I know he is the love of my life and I want to spend forever with him. It’s just the location.

I heard a song the other day saying “show me the long way around your town,” and it made me sad. I have a lot of pride for my small town. I love the mountains (I have them tattooed on my side. It’s the only tattoo that I have. Yeah, I love them).

I was worried about finding a job that wasn’t an hour-long commute to Philadelphia, and while I have been fortunate enough for an employer to be interested in me in a town only 20 minutes away, I fear they may pass me up because I’m not trying to move up until May.

I want to celebrate my birthday with all my friends without asking them all to travel to PA and crash in whatever tiny space we can provide them. I don’t want to leave my small town any earlier than I have to.

Deep down, a part of me is very scared that I will lose all of these friends and relationships because I move. I know I will have a few relationships that will survive – Heather, Mary, Rosie, Ryan – but I fear for the others. And it’s humbling to know that a place that meant so much to me, that helped form me, gave me the confidence to wholeheartedly be who I am, that I gave almost 6 years of my life to, will forget me. New workers will be hired, ones that will never know me, and eventually my homecomings won’t mean going to see all my friends at Main Cup. Eventually I will be a stranger to those at Main Cup. That has been a hard reality to process.

I know it’s a part of life. It’s something I need to learn – letting go gracefully. I must let go of this part of my life so that I can wholeheartedly start my new one. It’s just a hard transition.

Seeing how hard it was for my sister to move up to West Chester frightens me, I’ll admit. I don’t want to take out any unhappiness with West Chester on Andrew. He’s been incredibly supportive as is. Reassuring me that if I’m genuinely not happy up there, the move isn’t permanent. He’s willing to consider moving to Frederick for my happiness, but I don’t want to hold on to that. I want to put my best foot forward in West Chester and not just be counting down until we can move back to Maryland. He’s been sending me links to mountain trails that aren’t too far away, trying to comfort my outdoorsy side. I really do love this man.

As I said, I want to put my best foot forward. I’m trying to go into this transition with an open heart and open mind. But I’m also fighting the anxiety of moving. Trying not to cling tighter to the people and memories around me for fear of losing them. I’m still trying to navigate it. I hope I am happy.