Nightmares

So I usually go through about a week of nightmares after not having them for a long time, and this week has been nightmare week. I typically get pretty freaked out by my nightmares, especially if I wake up and it’s still dark. I’d love to know what happens to my brain when I have these nightmares because they are always so emotionally charged, be it paralyzing fear or heart-wrenching sadness.

So, I’m kind of obsessed with Game of Thrones (after rejecting the fad for so many years), and earlier this week I had a nightmare that was GoT-esque but it also involved my family. I was fighting beside my cousin and Jon Snow, and my sister was fighting in the same battle elsewhere. In the battle, Jon and my sister both died and I was consumed by this overwhelming sadness. I woke up in tears for only the second time in my life (that I can remember, anyway. The first time was after my first cat passed away and I dreamed that he was still alive and I remember crying in the dream because I was so happy, and I woke up crying in my then-boyfriend’s bed. He didn’t do anything to comfort me, by the way. Similarly, he did nothing when I cried over that cat dying… I should have known then, right?).

The most recent nightmare was a little more plot-heavy. The government was infecting people with this zombie-like virus that was killing people off very quickly, it seemed very end-of-the-world. But we knew that the government was responsible for it, so to combat it, people were essentially suicide-bombing government buildings or else sacrificing themselves in other ways (hoping I don’t get flagged by the CIA or FBI here). I was kind of trapped in this room while most of it was going on, but when I was finally let out into the newly desolate world, I found out that just about everyone I cared about died trying to take down the government. My sister, her boyfriend, my best friends, my coworkers, all gone. And in that moment I was fighting back tears. I knew that they did it so that I – and other survivors – could live and be happy, but I suddenly didn’t want any of that without them. I think my parents were even still alive, but the thought of having to tell them that my sister was dead was dreadful. I didn’t want to live in a world without these people. I woke up, thankfully not in full-on tears this time.

It was just very odd, very eye-opening. First, I wonder why I keep dreaming that my sister dies. Then, I marvel in the fact that it was so easy for me to consider suicide or martyrdom without these people in my life. I have never admitted to having any kind of suicidal thoughts (other than the dramatic¬†what would people do when I’m gone?¬†teenage bullshit), so it was interesting to see that my own motivation for living just depleted when I learned that these people died. It was just strange to me.

Corri asked me if I had anything on my mind, anything unusual stressing me out. Nothing out of the ordinary, honestly. I think this is the least stressed I’ve ever been about school (senioritis!), I’ve been taking care of my mind and body, I haven’t fought with any of my friends lately, and it’s the same old with my love interest. I haven’t been eating or drinking before bed. The only thing I can think of is that I was recently sick and maybe this is an aftermath of my weird fever dreams.

Or maybe I’m just overdue for some kind of mental/emotional breakdown. I’ve been telling just about everyone for two weeks that I’m overdue, which I guess is true even though I don’t have mental breakdowns that often. Sometimes you need a good cry – one that doesn’t involve your closest friends and family members dying.

Anyways, it’s late, I’m tired. I started a new book the other day, one I wasn’t totally sure about, but it’s gotten pretty good lately.¬†Slade House, for anyone who’s interested. Also, if anyone knows anything about dream interpretation and can help me out, that’d be cool, comments are welcome.

Goodnight, blogging family!

 

Salt and Sanity

What a crazy month. If I’m not doing homework, I’m in class or at the gym or trying to come home to work and see people. It’s been a heavy weight, hard to bear. But today has been good; I’ve gotten a lot done today.

***

I’m still having a hard time without Misty. She was always there for me when I came home. She was my only motivation for spending the night in my own bed. Now I feel very alone, swimming in a sea of empty blankets every time I try to sleep. It’s much less restful.

I haven’t been able to do everything I want to when I go home. I overbook. I’m grateful to have that problem, in a way; there are too many people I love and want in my life that I just can’t make time for all of them in a single weekend. It’s a nice problem.

I’m also grateful, once again, for home. Reflecting on how far you’ve come as a person while trying to give advice to a coworker really humbles you. I will forever cherish the hectic shifts that transform into some serious bonding. I’ve realized drinking is a great way to make connections (not that that had stopped me before).

I’ve also realized I’ve got too much going on. I’m taking some time to take care of myself, but it would be nice if I had a little help every now and then.

Even now there are certain things I must leave unsaid.

***

I’ve mentioned my crazy dreams. Last night I had one in which I was dying. I had watched two friends get shot and they died in front of me. I was slowly slipping too (though more likely from the dream than from this world).

I remember panicking because I didn’t know what would come next. Was this just the end? Would I be reborn? Would I find my loved ones in the afterlife? Or was there simply darkness?

I’m not sure what it means, and I’m panicking over too many other things to worry about this existential crisis. But I’ve personally thought that the mind was so powerful that whatever it believed, whatever religion it practiced, is what would happen to that person. It’ll vary worldwide, but that’s just what I thought. Think? I’m not sure.

However I am sure that I’m nodding off while writing this. I’ve never been more exhausted in my life, which usually leads to good, hard sleeps.

Sorry I couldn’t be more reflective and insightful, but thank you for sticking with me and continuing to peek into my mind.