Clustered Tulips

It’s late night dance parties in your studio,

Early morning kisses in your attic,

Getting locked outside in your clothes,

Talking to your mom as if I were here every morning.

Every little bit makes it harder to let go.

*   *   *

You found out she got married this weekend. In a little black dress at the county courthouse, with the brightest smile you hadn’t seen in years. My heart broke for you as I felt your last thread of hope peeling away. It was so subtle, with the impact of a guillotine. What could you do about it? She is not yours. You’re not sure she ever was, but maybe that’s what kept you on your toes.

So what did we do? We got drunk. I was excited to see my friends, some unusual faces in the crowd. I think you were torn between distraction and numbing. I got you to dance, but that’s the best I could do.

We slumped up the stairs, falling back to our puzzle piece rhythm. And my own misery couldn’t hold it in any longer. I asked you about it. I asked if you were okay.

In those moments, I feel like your friend. One that just wants you to be happy, to be okay. That one that’s empathetic because she’s been hurting too, one that shares your pain because it’s all she knows how to do, how to comfort, how to react. You talked, your voice plain, and I asked more, careful questions. In those moments we know each other. In those moments you find solace of your loneliness with my head on your chest and your arms around me. You find a love that you don’t know how to hang on to, and you’re too tired to try. I am too.

Like probably every other girl that’s tried, I want to fix you. I want to love all your broken pieces back together. Save you from your past, from your loyalty, your first love. And like every other girl that’s tried, I can’t.

*   *   *

I had a really great time visiting home this weekend. Work was hectic and annoying but we made it through as usual. Any motivation for free alcohol right?

I live for the nights that I can connect with people. As someone who has been introverted (and extremely shy) her entire life, relating to people and connecting to people through conversation is very inspiring and fulfilling to me. Some of them were my coworkers, and some my own family members.

I woke up to his kisses Friday morning, somehow made it through the entire day on four hours of sleep.

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Saturday I was well rested (he was gone), so I hiked by myself through Harper’s Ferry. Though the inclines were incredibly steep, especially with a 10lb weight in my backpack to help condition, it was probably my most rewarding hike. I had time for myself, to do and think about what I wanted, not worry about keeping up a conversation (I probably wouldn’t have been able to anyway). The view was spectacular as I watched birds swirl high above me, heard the train rustle below, the river to my right. It was incredibly peaceful, and it made me excited for my trip. It was also the first time my legs had been so sore in a while, and it made me feel so alive, that I was heading in the right direction, that the plateau was over.

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I spent the afternoon sanding a breadbox, of all things. At first it was stressful and annoying, time-consuming. But as usual once I slowed down I really actually enjoyed it. Working with my hands outside. Nothing but me and my thoughts. The more solitude I have, the more I realize I like myself. I’m not a perfect person, but I make myself happy, and I appreciate my own thoughts in a strange, cyclical way. img_0129.png

That night I went out with Kristen, Rosie, and Heather. Kyle owed me some drinks so he gave me a good amount of patron for free (love it). I didn’t get to spend as much time with Heather as I wanted, but I got to spend some time with Rosie that I think she needed. I don’t think she has a great outlet, and she deals with a lot of shit in her life. She’s such a sweet person that just wants love, and she definitely deserves it. She doesn’t get enough from some of the places she should… lots of heart to hearts. Like I said, I love connecting with people.

Sunday was a day with the family. Lauren’s absence was noticeable, and I don’t think I filled the space to its entirety, but I think it was good enough.

Something that I recently admitted to my mom is that I think the Main Cup is the only place in which I have felt truly celebrated, and that was kind of a tough thought to accept. I have always had an immense love for my family, and like I said I’ve always grown up kind of in someone’s shadow without it really bothering me. I don’t need to be center of attention all the time, I just like appreciation.

I shared with mom that I’ve always been in the shadow of my sister, through no one’s fault. I’ve just always been quiet and reserved and she has fit in better with the extroverted side of the family. Most of the time when Lauren’s missing from family events, the first question I get is “where’s your sister?” like I’m not good enough to entertain them in the same way.

I don’t want to paint a woe-is-me story about my life, because I have been blessed in so many ways. I’m just saying it’s not always fun to grow up in someone’s shadow.

But Main Cup has been different for me. I’m a different person. I’m more confident because I’ve learned that people like me for me, that they give me a chance because they want to, not because they know my sister. That they aren’t comparing me to her, let down when I’m not as outgoing. It’s given me a sense of self. Of finding who I am with fewer influences.

I love my sister. But I’m happy to be discovering who I am on my own. Why I love me. Why others do too.

Love

 

 

Maybe I

Who would’ve thought 21 would be the year that I start looking after my health?

It’s Rosie’s 21st birthday, and I think she had a great time. I got to see a few friends and coworkers as well, which is nice since I go back to school in a few days and I’ll miss them all terribly. Things went well, didn’t have to listen to that “I should’ve just gone to bed” song, though thank you, Ryan, for trying to reinforce my good habits.

I’ve been petsitting for two dogs, two cats, and a chameleon over the last five days or so, and although it’s a little annoying driving 15 minutes out of the way every day, I really don’t mind the responsibility. It’s helped motivate me to not drink too much during the night and wake up early in the mornings. I’m wayyy too much of a morning person, so seeing the beautiful skies at 8AM have been really inspiring and breathtaking.

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I’ve come across that conflicted feeling again of wanting to share these beautiful thoughtful moments with someone or if it’s just something I should cherish on my own. I will always cherish them, however I’m not sure why I’m starting to yearn to share such moments. I don’t know what I would expect anyone to say in response, and sometimes I don’t think there are words that could describe it. Are all people like this? Is there some random passion, random beauty, for everyone out there? Something that others just might not understand, so instead they yearn for some kind of mutual understanding? Maybe I should ask my friends, but I’m worried that a few of them will just say “fireball.”

Coming home hasn’t been exactly what I expected. I’ve been fighting off a cold most of the time so far, so I’m trying to make sure I get enough rest which is unusual enough in itself. I got to spend a lot of time with my sister while she was here, and I’m really happy about that. It almost felt like when we were still living together, before she even went to college. It was definitely tougher saying goodbye to her, but I’ll always put on that supportive face.

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The restaurant has been about the same, some people you love, some people you can’t stand. I think I’m falling into a rut with it honestly. I’ve always had these exciting yet dreadful thoughts of moving, and recently they haven’t seemed so bad. I will always be thankful for the time I’ve had in my hometown, but I think the universe is telling me that it’s okay to move on soon. Big things are happening for me, hidden somewhere in this cosmic energy, and I can’t wait to unleash it.

I did a chakra cleansing/activating meditation today, opening my crown and third eye chakras, which are supposed to influence intuition, so I’m listening to my intuition today; I forgot how much I enjoy eastern practices. Unfortunately, sometimes I think my intuition is tailored more to my desires and/or anxieties than to the universe. I’ve become to complacent, going by feel. In many cases, I admire that, but in certain cases, I need to remind myself to be rational.

(As I’m currently being tested)

Anyways, I just wanted to check in. My lofty thoughts are fading, though they’ve been abundant since I’ve been home. However, it’s late, and I have to be up early to take care of the animals. I’ll be back soon, I’m sure.

Love