Echoing Desires

Sometimes you hold back with everything that you can until the need just explodes right out of you. For as much as I fought the idea of having sex that night, from our routine foreplay to what would likely be pain for me (I’d never quite recovered from our last’s birth), I couldn’t believe how easy it was to relax into your arms again.

I know you’d been looking forward to this all day — I could feel it in your lips as they gently parted and guided me, guided my mind away from all the day’s shit. You were still poised over me as you kissed me through the worst part for me — the beginning. And as your lips continued to express your urgent need for me, for love, I fully gave myself to you. Our chests touched and I felt this electric shock between them as I grazed your back and arms with my fingertips, craning my neck to kiss your shoulders, your neck, your ears, suddenly cheek to cheek.

I forgot how meaningful it could feel, to give yourself to someone. We’d been married for how many years? How many times have we had sex because we felt like we needed to? To fill the space? To feel like successful adults? For maintenance?

And in the years we’ve been married, how many times have we had fun with it? Have we relaxed? Have we giggled in the middle of it? Have we felt that spark that tore the walls down and erased the day from your physical body?

Sometimes you don’t know what you really need until someone does it for you.

~~~

Trying to get back into creative writing with daily writing prompts!

August Writing Prompts

 

 

Soul

She dreams of the black and white crisp of art in a hotel room,

Of the last drop of red in a crystal glass.

Of trails at sunrise and days spent free.

She chopped her freedom for trends, her Indian spirit defeated — she’ll never earn another feather.

Or feel the soft golden sunrise seep through her window after its hiked mountaintops.

Or wander the docks in the cool humid air of a foreign country.

Did she give up her dreams?

She asks as she sits in her yellow room, speaking for the first time in what feels like years.

Trying to reach that little girl from her past,

The one who sat for hours, any time she could, to tell a story she hadn’t heard before.

The one who knew what she wanted from life.

The girl that was just beginning to dream.

Wishes to the Universe

Had a wonderful and spontaneous night at home in order to see my best friend. It involved copious amounts of tequila and the perfect amount of french toast. Our hungover asses sat in his hot tub on a freezing day, fully bloated from the previous night, discussing life, praising the mountains, and feeling grateful for our town. I did, anyway.

As I’ve said, as it gets closer to graduation, I find it harder and harder to leave my little town behind. My heart yearns for the mountains, and I’m always so awestruck when I can catch the colors of the sun setting over the mountains or between the trees. I can’t tell you the number of times my gaze has left the road a dangerously long time just because I’m trying to enjoy the beauty of the sunset. I’ll say it here, if I ever die in a crash because I was watching the sun set, at least the last thing I saw was something I loved.

Morbid… Anyways.

Yesterday I stayed in town long enough to greet my parents after they had finally gotten home from their cruise. As I waited for them to call me, I laid down in bed, trying to close my eyes since I was running on a mere four hours of sleep from the night before (still went to the gym, proud of myself for that!). But I couldn’t close my eyes. My room was too beautiful. A light, happy, peaceful yellow, filled with a similar relaxing sunlight drifting in through the open blinds. I cuddled the pillow next to me, staring at the beauty that my windows framed, that my blinds teased. I wish staring at the sun wasn’t bad for your eyes. I’m not sure I’d ever look away.

I love to linger in those peaceful moments. I want to be able to just share that serenity with someone else, for them to understand my love for a beautiful sky.

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I told Ryan how excited I was to spend a few weeks out in the mountains, just me and Phoebe, someone else who appreciates nature and namaste-ing as much as I do – if not more. It really just made me more excited to think about being outdoors for days on end, not caring how dirty I get, not trying to impress anyone. Just me and her soaking up the wilderness.

Also, side note, I think I’m getting slightly better at yoga. It doesn’t seem like as much of a chore to do downward dog anymore. Part of it might be because it’s nice that my roommate enjoys it as much as I do, so she helps motivate me. She does, however, also motivate me to eat cookies all the time, so I’m trying to work on my will power here.

At the same time, yoga has also allowed me to see how much I need improvement, especially in my mobility. I’m hoping it opens up my hips, but even just side body stretches can be ludicrously difficult sometimes. It reminds me of when Mom makes me her physical therapy guinea pig and I realize I can’t hold poses/postures that are seemingly simple. Like sure I can squat a decent amount of weight, but can I lift my leg while keeping my core tight and hips level? Way harder than I thought.

I had a scary revelation yesterday. Mary texted me asking where I had slept the night before (she knows my drunken habits – I giggled), and I truthfully said that I had slept in my own bed that night, and then we had a short conversation about my love interest where she brought up how it’s been a long time of us being on and off and how he needs to get his act together (preachin to the choir, girl). And I realized that this on again off again thing has been the second longest “relationship” I’ve been in…

I officially dated Chad for a little over two years, I officially dated Adam for maybe a year and one or two weeks. Connor and I were on again off again for maybe four months. But this current one has been a year and three months. I’ve been battling with him and our feelings for each other for longer than I was with someone I had considered moving in with, someone I had considered marrying. It was a weird little revelation.

I doubt he reads my blogs, so I have no qualms speaking freely about it on here: I just haven’t been able to get him out of my head. Sometimes I struggle with it, especially the first time he grew distant. I wanted to be hurt and say “screw you” and never talk about it again. Easier said than done when you see him every time you go home and he’s there in the kitchen of your place of work. And he’s been there longer than you so you can’t be any kind of territorial over your workplace. Some days are easier than others, but that’s usually when I’ve been away at school for a few weeks and we haven’t spoken anyway.

You’d think that with all the back-and-forth, I’d be sick of it and just be done. Part of me wants to be done, sometimes I say with confidence that I am. And then I come back home and fall right back into it because there’s something about him that’s irresistible to me. He has such a good heart, the kind of person that doesn’t like to say anything bad about anybody, and he’ll usually correct himself if it has any kind of mean edge to it. He’s all about enjoying life, though I wish he’d do more with it. But who am I to judge.

There’s some part of me that just wants him. And I haven’t been able to explain to anybody, even myself. I’ve asked so many of my older friends for advice, something I rarely do, and they’ve helped me talk through my feelings, how there’s no reason for me to be as hung up on him as I have been. But I’ve never been able to put my finger on it.

So maybe someday we’ll give it a shot. Maybe I’ll be hung up on him until I move to another state, though the thought of never seeing him again makes me sad. Maybe I’ll be hung up on him forever. Some days I imagine (guiltily) that I’ve moved to North Carolina where I’ve met a nice man, but that I come home to Middletown and rekindle something with him. I want to give things a shot, almost as if it’s unfinished business. That it needs to run its course before I can give it up. But then again, I’ve never really been the one to give things up first, unless, sadly, my foot was safely planted in another canoe (I’m still sorry).

I have worried that I seem to be turning down guys because he still holds the higher pedestal in my heart. He’s the one I drunk call most often. I hope to not close myself off to the possibility of other, perhaps better suitors just because I’m hung up on him.

Some days I just ask the universe for him. And weirdly enough he seems to be headed in the right direction. So I guess we’ll see what happens. Maybe one day I’ll reread this and laugh that I was so attached to him, maybe one day I’ll read this to him. Who knows.

As the sirens screech down Route 1, I can’t help but crave the utter silence of my bedroom back home. So I need to go to bed, as I’m still recovering from the four hours of sleep night I had so recently. Life is great, isn’t it?

Peace

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Past Curiosity

Tonight I came across old pictures and videos, some that had you in them (unsurprisingly since we were together for a while). It was a little odd looking back on that time in our lives, but some part of me just couldn’t stop staring.

Then I looked through old emails, from the good times, the bad times… and the end. I’m surprised with how profound and mature our responses were at the time. I’d be lying if I said I didn’t tear up a little, so I just won’t say anything.

I wonder what it would be like now. The you that I knew in that era is appallingly similar to who I have become now. I think of how much I have grown, of what I expect to give in a relationship. I say give because I’m not sure I have many standards for what I receive in one anymore, which is a sad thing to say, and I know that past you would be disappointed by that information. I wonder how you have matured. You always seemed a few steps ahead of me in maturity, in belief development, and so I wonder if, now that I feel I’ve caught up to you, would you still be a few steps ahead? A few years down the road just waiting for me to catch up when I never will?

As a writer, my mind jumps to the fact that this could be the most inspirational love story ever told. Boy and girl fall in love, go through hell, go their separate ways, find each other again years later once they’ve grown and matured, and come back together for their happily ever after. Such dangerous thoughts, but I blame the idiom that you never forget your first love.

All I know is I wonder, and I wonder if I will ever find out.

Fuzzy Feelings and Blurry Pictures

Yesterday was a magical day all around. A warm February day, warm enough for me to wear shorts comfortably, I did some homework outside, my time at the gym felt incredible, I painted (!!!), did some yoga with Alex, and had an unexpected visitor (yes, the one I write about all the time). I was up for an adventure, and he was willing.

We spent the night as we usually do when we’re together – curled around each other, sprinkling kisses on each others’ skin, and laughing every step in between. I love the pattern we’ve fallen into, remaining independent, but coming together for special moments alone.

There were many moments I appreciated, but I think my favorite was I had turned over to finally go to bed, and he grasped my face, turned it toward him, kissed me, and said goodnight. An easy way to send me into some sweet dreams (though I can’t remember any because he kept me up with his snoring…).

The moments continued into the morning, wrapped around each other, him exploring his new surroundings for the first time. We rustled the sheets (sensually and otherwise) into the late morning. He was drifting off again, my head on his chest, his hand finding mine, when I told him we needed to get up and go to lunch if I was ever going to allow him to leave.

(Realistically, he needed to go home and enjoy a day off with his dog for once, and there was a lot of affectionate cuddling that depicted how neither of us wanted him to leave, so we had to spend as much time on each others’ skin as possible)

After lunch, I drove him back home, his hand finding my leg or my free hand (“mine,” he said) as he drifted back off to sleep on such a gorgeous day. I reminisced about how I loved sticking my head out of the car window when I was younger because damn is that wind exhilarating! Something that fueled my love for amusement parks.

It was a short goodbye and a “see you in a few weeks”, and for some reason it was really hard for me. I wanted nothing more than to stay in Middletown, go hiking, spend the afternoon with him, curl up on the couch after such a nice lunch and just continue the cuddling. I’ve grown to love being independent and having my alone time, and maybe it’s because I’ve been single for so long, so I’m hoping that slipping into any kind of relationship, titled or otherwise, doesn’t also send me back to being a more dependent person.

Anyways, it’s hard not to enjoy the days growing warmer (at least for the moment), and the feel of nature and fresh air on my skin is absolutely addicting. It reminds me of endlessly playing outside when I was younger, fresh air, a thin layer of dirt and sweat that clued you in to the fact that you just had an amazing day connecting to your friends in the presence of nature. With Phoebe and I going on our backpacking trip (July 5th!!), I can’t wait to douse myself in that feeling for two whole weeks. I really think it’s going to do my soul good.

Unfortunately, I can’t seem to focus on my schoolwork due to the beautiful weather. I just want to sit outside, but College Park isn’t really conducive for just sitting and relaxing in nature (another reason I think it was so hard to leave my little mountain town today). Thank god I’m in my last semester, otherwise I don’t think I could make it.

I’m not even sure I want a white-collar job. I can’t see myself waking up for the morning commute, sitting in a little office, staring at the road in boredom while sitting in traffic on the way home, and doing it every day while trying to have a life and family outside of it. I personally have always loved blue-collar work (and workers). People that aren’t afraid to get dirty, people that are good with their hands, people that are fun! They don’t have to take work home with them, stress about the next project. They leave work at work, throw back some beers with friends, unwind, have a good time with each other! That’s what I want to do, and going to college may have been a mistake as far as that goes for me. Maybe in the future I will find a mix between my degree and what I do with my life. As with most Americans, I just don’t want to feel like my job is useless. But I do also want to keep bread on the table, while at the same time pursuing my interests and hobbies.

Clearly I’ve been itching to get out there and explore more of the world and of myself. I’m so close to that freedom! Life is good! Even sad emotions are signs that you are feeling and interpreting the world around you. Love that energy, embrace it. It makes the world better.

Love

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Remember that life isn’t always about the clear pictures. An honest, true, lovable life has blurry pictures that sometimes are more important. This one just happens to feature some of my favorite people in my life.

Australian Kisses and Tequila Ramblings

I wonder how many posts I have written without some kind of alcohol in me, be it from 10 seconds ago or as I’m sweating it out from the night before. I guess I see how Hemingway could get in the moment through alcohol to write his beautiful thoughts. There’s something about alcohol that just releases them all.

Anyways, what a trying and beautiful time in my life! I’m a senior, and there are plenty of changes going on in my life, but that’s to be expected. Lives that don’t change are just boring. Firsthand experience: I never have any idea what to say to/ask Cliff or Zac because their lives just remain the same. No offense to them at all, I think part of it is that I don’t like to seem fake and ask questions to which I already know the answer, but for the most part their lives are so stagnant that they have no news to share and I have not questions to ask.

I’m discovering more and more about myself. I think this summer will be incredibly trying both to my physical body and my mental spirit. I don’t want to jinx anything (because I’ve never been more excited for anything in my life), but I’m planning to go backpacking in Wyoming with one of my friends in July. Now, I’ve never even been camping, let alone backpacking, so I’m both terrified but also incredibly excited. I know I will be tested, and I think it will be a life-changing experience.

***

Interesting moment today. For my intercultural communication class, I learned that I tend to lean more towards Eastern Asian tendencies moreso than my own US American culture. It’s something as simple as what we focus on when looking at a picture and evaluating a problem, but it was interesting to think that I could be more connected to an Eastern sense of beliefs and culture than my own. It’s a collectivistic culture, which I think makes sense as to who I am. I focus on the whole picture instead of the main character (though I will not pretend that I haven’t been primed as a US American to notice certain things over others.

***

Sometimes I think I’ve forgotten you. Those moments make me happy, because I’ve thought about you for far too long.

But lately, in the early morning hours, and when I have a good taste of liquor in my mouth, you’re there, again. And I fight you with every ounce of my being. But something in my heart just can’t stay mad, can’t force you from my mind. Somehow I did a better job of keeping sugar cookies out of my mouth today than keeping you off my mind… At least I’m developing willpower where it counts?

You need to go away. Or at least make a fucking decision.

***

I think I’ve been single for so long that I don’t know where to start anymore. I’ve developed a social anxiety for hanging out with people that might be interested in me. For the most part I just turn them down, sometimes because I genuinely don’t have an interest, sometimes because I think it’s just too nerve-wracking. How can it be?

I feel as though I’ll be single for a while (which is fine, I enjoy being single and not having much to worry about, but as always it gets lonely every once in a while). But I wonder if later I will see I had made mistakes, that I should have taken chances with certain people over others.

I often wonder how different my life would be if I had made a different decision. I try not to dwell on it because I can’t change anything and I would never torture myself in such a way. However, what if I hadn’t broken up with you? What if I had stayed at Frostburg? Would I ever have connected with you? Would it have been better timing at that point? Would we have worked out in the long run? Would I be better now?

That’s the danger of wondering if the grass is always greener.

***

Have you ever had a weird thought for a lover? A large part of you wants to be with them, but then again there’s a strange part of you that wants them to find love in one of their exes? If you’re by any chance reading this, Ashley, go back to him. He needs you.

I wonder if it’s a fate thing. I haven’t decided on whether or not I believe in soulmates. Rationally, I don’t think so. I think you make it work with who you have if you are compatible and think it could work out. But on nights like tonight, when I have a strong buzz going, I think I believe it. The romantic in me wants to believe it. Believe that someone’s soul is out there searching for no one else but me. That we will fit together like pieces of a puzzle, the curtains will draw and we will be consumed in each other forever.

That’s what’s giving me hope at the moment (and also causing me anxiety as far as “Am I passing up my fate?”). Otherwise I may be doomed to pine after you forever, feeling stupid and used, dodging kisses from the Australian boy who might think more of me after one night than you have in a year.

Sleep on the Floor

It’s almost midnight, I’m drunk, and I’m thankful. It’s almost Thanksgiving, and I’m finally on break. I’ve come home too often for this to feel like anything more than an ordinary weekend, but I think it will be much more spectacular than the last few visits.

With the weather getting colder, I’m starting to compare myself last year to my current self. I really find it astonishing just how much has changed, be it my situation or myself in general. There are some good and bad memories, and what strikes me as odd is that my… *ring ring*

*  *   *

I started writing that last night, but was interrupted by a phone call, had some business to tend to, and forgot until this morning. I wish I knew where I was going with that last sentence, but whatever. I’m sure it’ll come back to me tonight when I’m drunk again. Something about memories clinging to different mental states.

It is different this year. Somehow, it seems the years have run together, and I forget how long ago certain memories are. I usually tie my memories to people, and maybe that’s where they blur.

This time last year, I was very needy and very lonely. I liked to be overtly appreciated, for someone to kiss the ground I walked on, because that somehow proved that he loved me. Things have changed, I’m happy to say. I would like to think I’m no longer so needy. I’ve recently discovered that I moreso appreciate the compliments I feel I deserve, not ones that are handed out at the drop of a hat. It’s a different type of cherishing, and it feels much more honest and genuine. Almost like I’ve earned it. Those kinds of compliments make me much happier, make me feel more accomplished.

Also, last night, I remember appreciating all of the beauty around me. There’s just something about a cold November night, the skies so clear you can accurately identify constellations. It always fills my heart, fills me with awe, but I’m not sure how to capture it, how to relive it. Camera phones never can capture what you’re seeing, what you’re feeling, especially when it comes to a beautiful night sky. It’s too beautiful for words, my only weapons against forgetting. I’m not sure if I want to just sit in awe and experience it, or if I want to be able to turn to someone to share that inspiration.

Last weekend, I also had an overpowering sense of appreciation while at the cup (shocking, I know). Recently, coming back to work has felt mundane. There are a few mixed emotions between the place and the people, walls that weren’t there before, both for my own protection and for his. And yet, twice in a few short days the walls came down with ease, no chipping. And, separately, as I walked through the cold alley, clutching an unknown coworkers’ flannel closer to me, I was overwhelmed again with that appreciation. For where I am, for who I have. To know that I’m not alone and that I have people who genuinely love me, regardless of how often they see me. It’s so comforting.

It’s also scary. Why would I ever want to leave this place, where all of these loves reside, in search of new people, new adventure? Would it be a mistake to sacrifice sharing my 20s with some of the best people I have met? I’ve always said that I like to have a home base, but I love to travel outside of it. I just want to always have one place to call home. And shouldn’t that be Middletown? Or am I cheating myself out of more adventures, more beautiful people, by staying where I’m most comfortable? These choices won’t be easy to make, but thankfully I don’t have to make them yet.

Recently, the subject of the power of thoughts and “vibes” has come up a lot. A friend’s mom read a book about how you get out of this world what you put into it, so for example if you are a positive force, a happy energy, similar forces will seek you out. In the same vein, if you are an anxious mess, similar anxious forces will pervade your life. I’m not sure just how much I believe that, although I guess it is very similar to the karma concept. But I wanted to say that, over the years, I have started to really put more of an effort into being appreciative (if you couldn’t tell). I don’t see a whole lot of appreciative forces seeking me out (though there have definitely been some thankful people for which I am grateful), but I do see some kind of payoff. Mostly in my mind. Being appreciative of everything, all the little things, from my car starting in cold weather to hitting a lot of green lights on the way home from class, I just feel so much lighter. Positivity is quite the pervasive force.

So, thank you for listening and allowing me to share my thoughts. It’s therapeutic, even when I don’t really need it. It lets me share those sentimental moments I hold dear.

And with that, it’s time to get ready for drinksgiving with my best friends and favorite people!

Cheers!

 

Bottled

You’d think for a 21-year-old still in college, my tolerance would be more impressive than it is. One glass of wine and I feel my head swimming, shoulders relaxing, head nodding off. It’s close to the end of the semester, and it has by no means been easy, but this week hasn’t been as bad as I thought it would be. Maybe I’m staying ahead of my classes, but something is telling me to keep going, that within the next few weeks something unexpected will come up that will require a lot of time and attention, that will stress me out.

But for now I’m just looking forward to Thanksgiving Break. It’s barely a break. Again I am faced with having too many people to see and not enough time to see them, which is more a blessing than a problem. My schedule is already so jam-packed with seeing friends and family that I don’t have time to work! Ryan and I will finally be reunited and have a chance to head to the bars together (milestones!!), Thanksgiving with the Anderson’s is guaranteed to take up all my time and energy Thursday, and Ryan and I are going to see a Caps game that Friday (my first, and I’m so excited that I actually had a dream about it last night!). Saturday will be another family day, and hopefully one much-needed.

Between my own struggles, my mom’s struggles, and my sister’s struggles, I ache to just have those normal moments again. When no one is too sensitive or too tired. When no one is faking it. It’s all felt a bit brittle lately.

I’ve felt guilty for spending so much time with my friends instead of my family, but I’ve started to realize that it’s more so their distractions and positivity. Sometimes I feel the need to talk about it, and on those days I have a select few that I know I can lean on, but most of the time I’m looking for an escape from the negativity that occasionally invades my life. On those days, leaning on my goofiest friends is the best medicine, and I’m very thankful to have people in my life that are so happy being simple-minded (in a good way).

I say that I struggle, and some of my problems are no easy feat, but a lot of them are teeny tiny on this earth. Nothing some chocolate and a good glass of wine can’t fix.

Thank you for enabling my habit (be it writing or wining).

Dani

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