A Benjamin Button Complex

There are few things better than watching 10 Things I Hate About You and drinking wine on a Tuesday night.

This weekend was easier on me than the rest of the previous week (mostly). Work went smoothly, I got to see an old friend, and I think I lived how a 21-year-old should. I was a little promiscuous, drank a lot of alcohol and redbull, slept few hours, and was able to successfully function both days afterward. It made me feel like I was doing something right, somehow. For as mature as I am, I’m glad I could take the time to be young while I am.

* * *

I’ve been searching for excuses. And I’ve found them, but I don’t know how I feel about that. There are a few things I feel I could put on hold for years. Do I pursue them now? Or does that mess up the timing? Whatever I do is supposed to happen, I guess. I’ll put a pin in that.

* * *

He lit himself on fire and watched as she drowned in his smoke.

Lauren has pointed out to me that I always fall for tortured souls, and the more I think about it, the more I think she’s right. There’s something about that deep, ethereal emotion that is like a target for me.

I guess you could say it hasn’t exactly worked out for me. But I’ve certainly had some experience with drowning in someone else’s smoke.

And after hearing Heath Ledger’s accent (as well as Liam Hemsworth’s in his new movie), I’m hoping to have some experience with an Australian.

Bones Don’t Stay

The last jazz night I worked was a little different. It went much less smoothly, and I was a lot happier. I was on the verge of tears, grateful for all I had been given.

Tonight went smoothly, but so much has changed in the few weeks I have been gone. The universe keeps drowning me in whatever bad karma I have earned.

My cat died. These things come in threes though, right? That’s the hope I’m hanging onto.

Funny enough, I think the universe is telling me where I should be. Tonight the 400s room was reserved for a surprise going away party for a man named Danny. As I sit here writing this, the jazz band is calling “Danny, Danny we love you, Danny we love you.”

I’m not sure if that’s the universe telling me to go, that it’s sorry but it loves me and this is my sign to get out. It could also mean I should be here in Middletown.

I’m not sure. Maybe the universe can give me some clearer signs without anyone else dying.

Blackened Ledbetter Riffs

It’s been a crazy few days with the full moon. But today ended better than yesterday. Yesterday exploded into chaos, but today I took care of myself. It’s interesting how just a simple nighttime routine can make you feel like you have some part of your life together.

I watched Jenna Marbles/Mourey tonight, and she shared 30 life lessons she learned by her 30th birthday, and while some of it was sarcastic or funny, parts of it had really good life advice that I think I needed to hear.

“Whatever you don’t like about your body, just try to come to peace with it… Just wait because maybe the world just isn’t ready for your beauty.”

As a struggling college student, this has never been more appropriate in my life. I’ve always been skinny fat, and then I started putting on muscle and I changed my diet, and then I went to college and put on the 15, and ever since I have just been battling myself to get back to where I was. I’m not fat, I’m just not as twig skinny as I used to be. I honestly just haven’t been nice to myself. I’ve become too impatient, expecting the weight to just fall off, and I always beat myself up when I’m feeling bloated. It’s even interfering with the gym, which doesn’t make sense. So I will try to be more patient, while also sticking to a healthy diet and routine.

“Try not to use the word regret, but instead say ‘I did the best I could for myself at the time’.”

This one sunk right through to my heart. I don’t have too many regrets in my life, but I hope to never forget this advice in the future. The first thing that came to mind was an ex. But it’s true, I did the best I could for myself at that time. I needed to get away from him. Maybe I didn’t go about it the right way, but it’s done and I think I’m in a better place because of it. Things happen for a reason.

Speaking of which, karma is real and it’s kicking my ass for something, and I think I know what it is.

If you don’t know, my grandparents live with me and my mom and dad. I don’t mind Grandma (though her toy poodle can be annoying), but I do not like my grandfather. It’s the side of the family we don’t really see, and we’ve had a shaky past, so we weren’t exactly off to a great start. But he is just so expectant of my mother and of his wife. He’s not very thankful. He thinks he’s going to get better, at 80 years old. He thinks very highly of himself and very poorly of – it seems – everyone else. Some of his own kids think he’s a pain in the ass. Some of them don’t even want to see him, and I don’t blame them.

For the past two years, I have seen his health deteriorate. I have watched him go from shuffling through the house, to being wheelchair-bound, to being basically bedridden. And each time he gets worse, I just keep hoping it’s the end. It has been such a stress on my mom, the caretaker, 24/7. (Luckily, some of her siblings help out from time to time.) It has caused tension between my parents. It has shattered my sense of home.

I always feel in the way. When I come home, suddenly there’s no room in the fridge. I’ve stopped putting ice in my drinks because our ice machine is slow enough that my dad already has to go to the store at least once a week just to get an extra bag. I can’t park in my driveway anymore because it’s a shorter walk for grandma. I make breakfast and then disappear to my room so they can have the TV because Grandpa can’t move from his chair. We moved my cat’s food so the dog wouldn’t get to it. I don’t talk to my mom while she gets ready for bed anymore because I know she’s just too tired during the week. I have to dodge the chairlift, most annoyingly when I’m carrying packed bags.

It’s just not home anymore.

And maybe that’s a good thing, so I can move on. Time will tell.

But because of this whirlwind of shit, I keep wishing Grandpa will die soon. I’m not exactly proud to say it, but it’s true. And it’s just what I wish. I know I shouldn’t wish death upon anyone, but I feel no remorse.

And karma knows it. And that’s why it’s kicking my ass.

I’m not going to proclaim to be a better person. I have no plans to take it back, because I know it won’t help at this point. I also know I wouldn’t mean it. I just think it takes more to be honest in this situation.

Maybe karma will reward me for that later.

Freckled Exhaustion

Between contacts, computer screens, road signs, and crying, my eyes feel endlessly tired.

It has not been a good time for sleep, and normally I don’t mind it. I’ll never turn away the beautiful morning sun streaming through my windows, igniting my eclectic home. I’ll never regret waking early and parting the blinds to peek at the multitudinous hues that color the Appalachians in Middletown. I’ll forever hold in my heart the still and quiet mornings spent reading a new book, contemplating dozing off again for a few hours.

What I will not relish, are painful nights that slither into hollow mornings. I will not welcome the heavy darkness on my chest. I cherish neither the sudden, cold feeling that vibrates through my body, nor the colorless desperation, pleading, and anxiety that sinks into my sheets.

I spent most of the weekend awakened by fear. Misty was left outside, bitten, and might not make it through the week. My bed will be forever empty without her. It’s been a bad weekend.

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* * *

Something has called me to examine horoscopes more closely. I still always look at them objectively — vague terms can only paint such an exact picture. But it’s been fun to learn and interesting to explore.

I think the most unique characteristic of my sign (Taurus), is that it is ruled by Venus, the planet that symbolizes love. Love is the center of this earth sign.

I’ve only had intimate enough conversations to admit this to maybe two or three people, but I came to the conclusion that somehow, love is at my center. It is not my driving force behind menial things (though supposedly money is), but it is what I see as the most powerful entity in the universe. Which is true; everyone wants to love and be loved, and while I don’t emit love for everyone, while I get annoyed, I do still feel I should be spreading love out in the world for those who feel none. I really love to remind my friends of their worth. Sometimes people just don’t see what’s right in front of them, how beautiful of people they are. I like to be the person that gives them that unique compliment, one that actually means something.

It’s probably because of these intimate, minuscule details that I fall in love with things maybe a little out of the ordinary. I love some peoples’ scars, or laughs, or smiles. Some eyes I find breathtaking. Someone’s resiliency. Someone’s ability to love.

This detailed love extends to nature as well. There are so many mental snapshots I take that I wish I could share with everyone. There are snapshots of people I want to share with everyone too, to show them how brilliant they shine in an unimportant moment.

Just a thought.

I’ve had a few people in mind lately.

But for now my eyes are tired.

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