Making It Right

I’m probably just going to start adding whatever music I listen to while I write these blogs.b6b4e185-fd16-4375-aaea-1d4bb43ab981

So life’s been busy between the end of the school year winding down and my new hobby as a writer for the Odyssey online.

I celebrated my sister’s birthday, had a questionable weekend at home the next weekend, and just celebrated my 21st this past weekend. I can’t believe it’s finally here! I no longer have to be nervous going out to the bars! It’s so freeing.

With the questionable weekends I’ve had, I have been doing a lot of soul searching, trying to figure out why I was doing somethings that were so unlike me. Of course, I still feel a little lost, and I’m so sure I overthink things.

One thing I asked myself is what I want, on a small scale, from a boyfriend. Everyone says the other person should bring out the best in you, and I was questioning what that meant to me. My first boyfriend was/is a wonderful person, and I think he helped shape my kindness and understanding towards others, but there was some part of me that felt like I had been forced to be this person, fit this mold that I wasn’t sure suited me; it didn’t feel completely natural to me. But I figured he was bringing out the best in me, so it should be a good thing.

As I’ve grown, I think “the best of me” is something other than kindness and understanding. I exhibit those traits on my own, without feeling forced. I have always been such a shy, timid person, and I don’t like to be pushed out of my comfort zone. Often I fight it and recede if someone tries to make me do something I’m not ready to do. However, I have also noticed that I’m willing to do something different and new and make a fool of myself if I am encouraging someone else to do the same.070d3aa8-5192-4e22-9c98-1e286d373704

I think I need someone who is about as outgoing as I am, so I can be happy and positive and encourage them to try new things. I think it will encourage me to step out of my own comfort zones and help me become a better and more outgoing person. As someone who has typically been drawn to more outgoing people, this hasn’t been an easy feat. I’d rather not have it be a competition because that shuts me down for some reason. I guess it’s a person problem? Although I can’t really say that I dislike that about myself, so maybe that’s just how I am at this point in my life.

All I know is I shouldn’t feel embarrassed and regretful because of someone I have feelings for, and I’ve been upset with myself because of my questionable weekends because those feelings of embarrassment and regret occurred. Just thinking about it today, I cringed. That’s not how it should be. I need to take a step back and gather myself, preferably before I go home for the summer and face my questionable decisions, but I think that may be too much to ask.

Side note, you should also never feel absolute rage when thinking of your significant other/someone you like. I am a fairly patient, loving person, and while it doesn’t take much to annoy me, it takes a significant amount of effort to make me physically angry. On the rare occasions I have experienced this rage, I knew I could no longer be with the people that caused it. Never be with someone who brings out the worst in you.

I’ve been thinking a lot about one of my friends. We have a complex relationship, and I’ll leave it at that, but I just wanted to take a moment to appreciate him. Ever since I’ve met him, he has been the kindest, most understanding person I have ever known. I have never seen him be negative towards anyone, and he always tries to put smiles on others’ faces, and that’s something that not a lot of people do nowadays.

We have always had the deepest conversations. I haven’t known him intimately for more than a year, and I have already shared with him more than I have shared with anyone. It’s nice to not have your walls up, not hide behind humor, and I sincerely appreciate him for that. He knows what is at my center, and when I confide in him my thoughts and feelings on certain, touchy subjects, he has always had a gentle hand at calming me down and helping me see myself – if that makes sense.

And I think I helped him too. When we first met, he really hid behind his jokes whenever we started talking about personal stuff. I called him out on it, and I showed him some love for opening up to me.

I think it just goes to show that people are scared to be themselves because they don’t know how other people are going to react. Everyone is really just looking for acceptance, be it from others or from themselves. I can’t stress this enough: be kind to people.

So many people out there deserve so much love. Be that person.

With genuine love.

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Genuinely appreciate those who came out for my 21st, as well as those who endured the morning after with me 🙂

 

Stillness

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The first word that comes to mind when I think of your relationship is “gentle.”

You may not have been explicitly there,
but you are hinted at.
Your presence is there, is palpable.

If she is a movie, you are the score.
You are not the plot, you are the feeling,
the emotion, the inspiration.
Everything she did, you were there in the background.

You were not forgotten. You were there.
Through her artistic eyes, you were there somehow.
You were the street she walked on,
the snowflake she caught on her tongue,
the bubbles tasting her lips.

She was proud of you, the naive love you had for her.
You were a new soul, new life,
yet she was old.
She needed you, her cane, to steady herself,
and you obliged.
You needed her more.
You kissed the hem of her being, her child.
And she loved you until she didn’t need you by her side anymore.
She left for you to grow on your own, this lost new soul,
to wander and wind your way through life’s branches.

Still she grasps your tiny fingers, guides your footsteps as you learn to walk.
And still you need her, and still she loves you.
It is soft, brush stroke kisses, love stained splinters.
It is there. It is gentle.

Enigmatic

Recently I’ve come to question if I’ve ever been in love. I have loved, I have felt loved by friends and family, but I don’t know if I have ever had a pure, deep, romantic love.

I had to think about whether or not I knew what love is. It isn’t really a checklist of items, values you look for in a significant other. I tried to figure it out on my own, but maybe I’m thinking too much. Is love just a feeling? Is it a mental effort? I’m still not sure.

I don’t want to downplay any of my past relationships. At those points in time, I felt very in love. But I’ve come to question whether it was love or an expectation of what was the next step in the relationship. So I’ve been reevaluating, and here’s what I’ve come up with:

  • Love is trust – You can’t be an anxious mess every time one of you does something without the other. If you can’t trust the person you are with, then you need to look at whether it is because you are being jealous and overprotective or if the other person is the cause of the mistrust. But in order to be happy and healthy, there must be trust between you.
  • Love is being patient – Your significant other is going to endure the ups and downs of life regardless of whether or not you are by his/her side. To love that person is to help them carry that baggage, ease the load. If they cannot come to you for help, you are not helping each other grow as people. The best way for someone to endure their hardships is for them to have help. You can’t be that person if you’re going to be angry with them for all of their troubles.
  • Love is communication – As a comm major, I cannot stress this enough. Relationships involve a multitude of communication levels. You need to be able to talk through problems. Not only that, but you need to remind them that they mean something to you. Just by simply talking, the other person may feel important, loved, like you genuinely want them in your life. I’ve faced two long distance relationship as I go through my college years, and I’ve learned that all the little details of the day are not that important, but you miss out on so much of each others’ lives if you simply don’t put the effort into talking.
  • Love is kindness – You should not be the person solely responsible for your significant other’s happiness, but you should be a positive force in their life. I personally refuse to use derogatory names with my significant other. Words are words, but they can stick with you. I will never seriously degrade someone I should love with such hurtful language, and I will never accept someone who says such things of me. You must love yourself above your partner, because then it’s not a competition and you can be truly happy for and with one another. Your words should be positive, you should build each other up. Believe in each other.
  • Love is interest – Sharing interests seems trivial, but it’s important. Even if you don’t share these interests, it’s important to show interest in one anothers’ hobbies, of these things that make you happy, what makes your partner happy. If they feel they can’t talk with you about an important part of their lifestyle, their identity, then that discourages communication and connection.
  • Love involves effort, but it shouldn’t be an uphill battle through and through – Love can be a struggle. My first relationship lasted two years, 18 months of which were spent apart, trying to love each other from different states. It wasn’t easy by any means, and we faced our fair share of troubles, but the most important aspect is that we were both willing to work through those struggles to try and come out the other side stronger. Sadly, as we grew up we understood we were growing into different people, but it’s important to understand that life is not going to be sunshine and rainbows all the time. You will be tested, you will face your own struggles. It’s when one of you stops trying that the love quickly dissipates. (Another strange thought: it takes two to start a relationship and only one to end it)
  • Love is support – For all the reasons above, support one another. You may have different interests – be happy for their successes in those interests. Be there for them when they are discouraged, when they are fighting a hard battle. Loving is not leaving someone in their time of need. Loving is being there for them through the good and the bad.
  • Love is being two people – I struggled with this one for a while, and I think I finally have it under my belt. Sometimes you think that time apart means they don’t want to be with you, and that’s not true. It’s important for you to be your own person, be someone who complements your partner and vice versa. Maintain your friendships, those relationships with other people you love. Pursue your interests, your dreams. It’s okay to be your own person, and if you can come together as two different people that bring out the best in each other, then you have succeeded.
  • Love is laughter – As someone who has always seemed to like the brooding type, take it from me: life is too serious to be serious all the time. You need someone who is going to make you laugh, and you should be a happy, positive force in your partner’s life.
  • Love is friendship – These two kind of go hand in hand, but I can tell you I have never been so happy as when I realize my significant other is someone I would genuinely be friends with. You love who they are as a person. You know each other’s secrets, fears, hopes. You make each other laugh. You can be yourself. Someone is going to love you for being unapologetically you. And you in turn will love someone for who they are.

This list may change and grow as I get older, but who knows. Maybe it will change the next time I am shown love. I can’t predict the future.

I hope this helps someone who needs it.

Wise Beyond Her Years